The Khyber Pass
by Kizzykat
Summary: Alexander and Hephaestion are reunited after months apart.


The Khyber Pass by Kizzykat

They stood and looked at each other uncertainly. There was an air of anticipation, a subtle excitement between them, yet neither of them wished to make the first move, to take it for granted that nothing had changed in the months they had been apart. They both knew what was going to happen, yet neither wanted to be the first to make the leap off a cliff of no return.

Alexander stared at Hephaestion with wide eyes. After the day's excitement of the armies reuniting beside the river Indus, they were finally alone. They stood in Alexander's tent and stared silently at each other.

He wanted to hold him, he wanted to touch him, to kiss him, but he didn't want to be presumptuous. Hephaestion had commanded the larger part of his army for half a year, had commanded his baggage train, the elephants, the siege engines, the womenfolk and the treasury, had besieged and fortified cities, and had corresponded on his behalf with the kings of the world. He had bridged the Indus ready for his arrival, and had even won over the Indian King Taxiles for him without a fight, sitting at the head of his army. He might not want to be treated as Alexander's boy any more. He might want his rights as a man, as a prince himself.

Alexander searched his face for any sign of change. He saw none, except a beauty refined, strengthened by self-confidence and command. The reports he had received had been nothing but outstanding. His 'Alexander' was perfect, and he smiled without knowing it.

He was so proud of him. He yearned for him. He yearned to feel his body close against his, to explore long familiar territory, and he knew Hephaestion would not reject him. But he so, so did not want to jump all over him and make this reunion just about sex. It was not. He wanted the closeness, the feeling of a missing piece of his armour, his strength, slotting into place beside him, Hephaestion's loyalty and trust, his love and friendship.

"I've missed you so much," he said softly.

A bright, gentle smile appeared on Hephaestion's lips. "And I you," he said. "I am very glad to have my king back." His smile deepened. "Have I satisfied my king's orders?"

"You have indeed." Alexander could no longer keep his hands to himself. He took hold of Hephaestion's hand, unconsciously caressing it. "Come," he said, "let us sit and talk and you can tell me everything. You and Perdiccas seemed to have worked well together."

There was a questioning note in Alexander's voice, wanting to know if they had disagreed. With a wry smile, Hephaestion said, "Yes. He lets me make the policy decisions, and I let him make the military decisions. It works."

"Good," Alexander said cheerfully, backing towards the enormous and comfortable bed Hephaestion had had prepared in the king's tent, both hands drawing Hephaestion with him.

The bed was far more luxurious than the campaign one Alexander had slept in for the last few months in the Indian mountains and, releasing Hephaestion's hand, he climbed onto the soft mattress and reclined against the pile of pillows. The Pages had left wine already poured beside the bed and he handed a cup to Hephaestion as his friend settled beside him. They had already wined and dined to the full with the other officers, but just needed something to top the meal off: and something to occupy their hands.

Alexander took a sip of wine and then hitched himself a little closer to Hephaestion, who was close enough, but not quite pressing against him. Hephaestion, with an unseen smile, tried to avoid his wine getting spilt as Alexander almost sat on top of him.

Alexander settled back comfortably with his head against the crook of Hephaestion's shoulder and a small breath of contentment escaped him as he sipped at his wine.

Slowly, a huge smile spread across Hephaestion's face as he felt Alexander's warm familiar weight against him. He slipped his arm under Alexander's and across his ribs. Involuntarily he tightened his clasp slightly. If Alexander felt it, he gave no sign that Hephaestion could tell, but a triumphant joy lit his face, unseen by Hephaestion.

Hephaestion merely felt the glow of happiness emanating from Alexander and he closed his eyes briefly, laying his cheek against Alexander's hair. Alexander wanted him. It filled him with relief and triumph to know that his lover still found him desirable, but how much did Alexander want him? Alexander was loyal to a fault, but he did not want to become just a habit. It had to mean more than that. If the intimacy had run its natural course and had to end, then now was the time. He raised his head.

"Tell me all about this Rock of Aornos," he said, trying to think of something else. "Did you really climb up the final rock-face on a rope?"

"I did," Alexander said, lowering his wine goblet. "It was harder than it looked."

"And did you find a princess on top of the rock to marry, as you did on top of the Sogdian rock?"

Alexander turned his head quickly to look at Hephaestion to see if he was being difficult. He could be a bit stubborn sometimes when he got an idea in his head. Alexander couldn't quite tell what he was thinking and moved himself onto the pillows so that he could see Hephaestion. "I did not," he said.

"Roxanne will be pleased. Women always think husbands lose interest in them when they are heavy with child." Hephaestion buried his nose in his wine cup.

Alexander was a little uncertain, not sure in what direction Hephaestion's thoughts were heading. "She seemed in good health when I saw her before dinner," he said carefully. "You have looked after her well."

"She is carrying my king's child, maybe his heir. Of course I have looked after her."

An idea struck Alexander. "You didn't arrange for me to marry an Indian princess, did you?" he asked quickly.

"No, I did not," Hephaestion said soberly. "I do not think that would be a good idea, Alexander. The Indians are very different from us. This land is full of strange wonders and their gods are colourful, strange creatures. The army would find it very difficult to accept the sons of an Indian wife ruling them. They would think you had abandoned them. Don't do it."

"I wasn't going to," Alexander said. "I've got a wife."

"And an Indian mistress."

"Oh," Alexander said, not quite looking at Hephaestion. "Oh, that was nothing. She threw herself at me. She was all over me, she was desperate for me not to kill them all and destroy her city. I had no intention of doing so, but I was a bit drunk, she was so insistent, and one thing led to another. I only spent a couple of nights with her."

"Rather more than that, from what I heard," Hephaestion said. "But if she was that appealing, why didn't you bring her with you?"

A slightly set look appeared about Alexander's mouth. "Queen Cleophis was an interesting experience, but she was not important enough to bring with me and I was not besotted with her. She would have been an unnecessary encumbrance and complication."

"Good." Hephaestion still looked sober. "I think the army might struggle here, Alexander. India's a whole new world, a whole new set of challenges. It is a vast and heavily populated country, and a lot bigger than we anticipated."

"But we have embarked upon this challenge and we cannot turn around and go back. This army does not turn tail and flee because a challenge is too big. We will find a way. We have been invited here to assist the Indian princes against Porus, and once we clear him out of the way, the whole of India will be open to us. Don't worry," he said, laying a hand on Hephaestion's thigh.

"I'm not worrying," Hephaestion said quietly, gazing at Alexander's hand on his thigh. He set down his cup. He was disturbed for some reason he could not quite identify.

Alexander seemed to sense the shift and paused with his cup half-way to his lips. "Did you meet anyone?" he said in a low voice. Hephaestion turned to look at him with a question in his clear eyes. "I mean anyone special."

When Hephaestion did not reply immediately Alexander continued, "I wouldn't want you to think that you can't have anyone you want, especially when I'm not here. Not that you would sleep with just anyone who took your fancy: I know you better than that. You need to care about someone first, to like them as a person, as they always tell young people they should so that they are not merely having sex like animals, but are better than that." He knew he was rambling in embarrassment and stopped himself. "I wouldn't be jealous," he ended lamely, and took refuge in his cup.

"I know," Hephaestion said quietly. Disquiet was growing in him and he didn't quite know why. He felt uncertain of himself, and of Alexander.

Restlessly he got off the bed and stood in the middle of the tent, his back to Alexander. He had been his own man for half a year, made his own decisions, walked at his own pace. He was afraid of being overwhelmed by Alexander's personality, afraid of losing his independence.

"What is it?" Alexander said in a low voice at his shoulder.

"The boots don't quite fit any more, Alexander," he replied with a wry little twist of his lips, half turning towards Alexander.

"What do you mean?"

Alexander had tipped his head to one side and his lips had tightened in that way that told Hephaestion he had better be careful: the king was to the fore.

"Nothing. I don't know," he said, moving away. Alexander's proximity made him nervous.

Alexander's face had changed as he moved after Hephaestion, his hand outstretched, yet he didn't quite catch hold of him. "I don't expect you to fall on your knees and submit to me," he said hurriedly. "I'm not that much of a tyrant. I'm not a Persian," he said defiantly.

Hephaestion turned to him. His lips made a small, deprecating movement. "I haven't slept with anyone in over half a year, Alexander."

"Oh." Alexander's face was anxious. "I don't mean you to go without. I've never meant you to go without. I know you are loyal to me, and will always be loyal, even if there is someone else in your bed, as I am loyal to you. My heart is always loyal to you, and I know yours will always be loyal to mine, even when we are apart. But I don't want you to be lonely. I don't want you to go without, to be without basic comforts, not to have someone to hold when things are difficult."

Hephaestion's eyes were moist. "I have you."

"Not always."

There was silence between them. Despite his own roil of emotions, Alexander understood. They were not boys anymore, they were kings of men, and dignity must be satisfied.

"We could just lie together," he said hopefully.

Hephaestion laughed, and Alexander dared to move nearer to him. He touched Hephaestion's clothes, fingering the fabric, feeling the warmth of Hephaestion's body beneath the cloth. "We don't have to submit to each other, or I could submit to you." He wasn't quite looking at Hephaestion, concentrating on the cloth. "Or there are all sorts of other things we could do." He looked up to meet Hephaestion's eyes. "It's just when I look at you, when I'm close to you, I am overwhelmed by memories. Of how we used to be, of the feel of your body, of the pleasure we had. I love you, and I want to show you how much."

"I have not forgotten. I have not stopped loving you. Ever."

"But you don't want to love me anymore. Not that way."

"I do," Hephaestion said, moving about the tent in anxiety and frustration, unable to express what he felt, while Alexander stood immobile, watching him as the words tumbled out. "I do. I want you so much I ache with it. But I don't want things to go back the way they were." He stood and stared at Alexander across the tent. "I don't want people to look through me to you to see if what I say is right. I don't want people to look at me as if I am an upstart boy who has no right to tell them what to do; as if I am just your minion." He had walked nearer to Alexander and looked at him earnestly. "They have stopped doing that in the last few months. They are finally hearing my voice, not yours; seeing my face, my commands, not yours, when I give them orders. And they do it without question now." His voice changed. "I know I am doing it all in your name, Alexander, but when you are not here, they are my decisions to make, right or wrong, and I do them to the best of my ability, as I believe you would want them done."

"I know," Alexander said, his voice distant as he watched Hephaestion soberly. "I am well aware you are not always shown the respect you deserve because of my friendship for you." He moved abruptly. "Why do you think I gave you this command? Why do you think I gave you command of the Companion cavalry? Why did I give you command of a column in Bactria? Because I know you are capable of it. And because I want people to know that if anything happens to me, you can, and will, take command. I want the world to know you are my second in command, and what we do here tonight has nothing to do with that." His expression softened at the surprise on Hephaestion's face. "Your biggest fault, Hephaestion, is that you don't believe enough in yourself. I do. I know that you are capable of stepping into my boots: of wearing my boots."

Hephaestion stood and looked at him, at his most vulnerable and uncertain. At last he said, "Thank you for your faith in me."

"I have always had faith in you. As you have had faith in me."

Hephaestion had no words to say that would not be mere flattery. He knew he had a tendency to worry about things that Alexander would dismiss unheeded. Sometimes he was right to worry. Other times he was proved to have wasted time whittling at something that wasn't worth it. Perhaps this was one of those times.

He moved close to Alexander and touched his clothes as Alexander had done his. He looked up at Alexander with opalescent eyes. If Alexander's knees were weakened, he gave no sign but simply stared back at Hephaestion, his brown eyes warm and opaque. Hephaestion's lips twitched in a small smile, he knew Alexander's defences were weakening.

"I am a fool. Shall we just get on with it?"

"No. No," Alexander said abruptly. "Not if you're not sure."

"I am sure. You don't know how much I want you."

"Oh, good," Alexander said with huge relief. "I don't know what I would have done if you didn't want to."

"Of course I do. I haven't even kissed you yet. That's a terrible welcome."

"You had better remedy that straight away," Alexander said brightly as Hephaestion smiled deeply at him.

Afterwards, they lay naked in bed, skin warm and damp. Alexander, almost asleep, lay with his nose against Hephaestion's ribs. Hephaestion felt deeply at peace and content. He had not realised how heavy a burden he had been carrying until he laid it aside. It was not that he was passing the burden back to Alexander: the burden was too large for one man alone to carry. Knowing he had done a good job, it would seem lighter when he picked the burden up again, and he would be able to carry more for Alexander. He would be stronger knowing that there was someone to lend a hand when things got tough, as he would lend a hand to Alexander, and it would make the burden easier to carry.

"I adore you," he said out loud as he picked up Alexander's hand where it lay on his hip and he kissed his fingers. "Without you I am nothing."

Alexander kissed his ribs sleepily. "We must be discreet."

Hephaestion turned round to get a better view of Alexander, and Alexander moved on to his side, one hand under his head.

"We need to make sure no one knows what goes on here."

"Alexander, the whole damned army knows."

"No, they think they know. We must not give them any proof. For all they know we could be getting drunk here."

"I doubt it."

"We will put our clothes on, and I will walk you back to your tent for the night, and I will return here. We can make the bed so that the Pages have no proof, and no one will be any the wiser. Let them play games and try to guess."

Hephaestion hesitated for a moment. "I will get dressed," he said, and mover to leave the bed.

"Not yet," Alexander said, holding his hip to stop him leaving. He moved higher up the bed to be level with Hephaestion. "Let me tell you why." He kissed Hephaestion's shoulder. "You are my Achilles' heel, my weak spot. If anyone knew how much I need you, they will attack me for that dependence. They will attack you to weaken me. Having you by my side means I am twice as strong. I can be in two places at once. I have someone to cover my back. But most of all I need your assurance that I am right in what I do. Without that I would doubt myself, and I would be very alone. Don't leave me alone."

"Have I ever?"

"No. Although I thought you were going to tonight."

"I couldn't, even if I wanted to. And I don't."

"You are not just my shadow, or my plaything. You are your own man, and I wouldn't value if you weren't. I need to know I have an equal. You."

Hephaestion looked at Alexander's earnest face, his lips pressed together as he did not trust himself to speak. At last he said quietly, "You are making it very hard for me to leave this bed."

"Good," Alexander pronounced, "because I want you back here tomorrow night." He pointed at the mattress to make his meaning plain. "And now you had better help me make this bed if we are to convince the Pages of our innocence."

 _Note: Roxanne bore Alexander two children. The first died by the river Acesines in India in 326 BC, about 18 months after they were married. It was two years before she became pregnant again (unless there was another child we don't know about)._


End file.
